I AM ALLEN

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I am ALLEN.
I carry the weight of my shame.
It’s so heavy that I stumble when I walk.
It spills forth into the street for everyone to see.
I hear the sighs and taunts.
I hear the sniggers and whispers.
I see them laugh at me and I bow my head in shame.
But they made me what I am.
They led me down this road.
I open my thighs every night and I feel nothing.
Shame and guilt eats deep into me.
I have lost hope.
There is no redemption for me.
Where do I even begin from?
Who would love and accept me?
I carry my shame as a deformity.
They call me that ‘name’ that is only spoken in whispers.
You know that harry potter film; ‘he who must not be named’
That is the name they call me,a name too dirty that it cannot be mentioned in polite company.
They think I do not hear but I do and a searing pain rips through my heart.
I die every day, a part of me buried with every one of these men.
I have no dreams, no future.
This life is all I know, it’s what I was born into.
You sit there from your high throne and mock me.
You think yourself righteous.
You think you have a right to judge.

Who gave you that right?
No one.
You hear me, No one.

Do you know what it means not to have hope, to live in depression, not to know where your next meal would come from?
Have you felt fear, have you starved?
Have you felt the biting cold, the rain pelting down your back, the scorching sun and you knew there was no shelter to run into.
Have you woken up each morning and wished death could take you because life had no meaning, each day left a bitter taste in your mouth.

No, you do not know what it means to stand on that road day after day.
You do not know what it takes out of me.
If you knew, you would hide your face in shame.
When you know, when you have walked a mile in my shoes, then you can judge.
Until then keep quiet. Say nothing. Turn a blind eye. Do nothing.
Doing nothing is what got me here. So why should you do any less.

I want better you know, I watch the television and I want a charmed life too.
I close my eyes when he goes into me and I live my fairy tale, it makes the time move quickly.
I want love too and I imagine it was someone I love holding me in his embrace.
I want to have hope, I do not want to go to bed each night and soak the sheets with my tears.

I want this sham of an existence I live to end.
I want more out of life.

 

We are a people decadent and I do not say this lightly.
I use ‘We’ to show that I am included.
Moral decay has eaten into the fabrics of our existence.
You see I pass through ‘Allen’ Mondays to Saturdays and I am ashamed at what I see.

I used to laugh at the sight until Chioma Ngaikedi made me have a rethink. Thanks dear.
I am forced to acknowledge that it’s not often their choice of living, that at times that’s all they know.

Oh yes you can give examples of people who have been poor and yet not had to engage in such actions to survive.
Now I am not saying that what they do is right.

Prostitution in any sense is wrong but it is easier for you to condemn and say you won’t be involved but alas you have never felt what they feel.

It’s easier to stand at a distance and feel all self-righteous but you have never known what it means to have no hope. You still think you are any better right?
What of ‘bae’ that you sleep with, has he married you; he is boyfriend abi and you are the girlfriend right. What do they call it: ‘Bae and Boo’. What is the difference between the both of you, oh you are not standing on the road. I see clearly.

The ‘Boo’ in question, you think you are any less different from the lady standing on the road, No! you are not, when you are stocking ‘body count’ like a pile of inventory. ‘Bae’ you think you are any different from the guy who patronises them. My darling you are not any better. You stand accused just like them.

Along the road where they stand, there are two churches and a school and I wonder how two churches and a school can be located side by side a bar.

We pass through and the bus conductors call at them and the ladies hurl abuses at them and I laugh at their antics but it hides a shame. I am ashamed for them, I am ashamed that they live in a country that cannot support them. I am ashamed that for them that’s the only hope they have.

And you should hear the stories the passengers have to tell.
My colleague says you can’t have a husband who works on Allen and allow him leave the house angry.

I am disappointed that this is the level we have descended to.
Is that what we have turned to?
You see if there are no ‘men’ to patronise them, they won’t be on the road. Day in day out cars stop and our ‘men’ come out to ask for their ‘services’ and I am bewildered by the sight.

I am sorry that this is the life they know.  I am ashamed that this is what they have to do to survive. I feel guilty that I can’t do anything about it.

When next you see one, don’t be in a hurry to condemn.  You have not walked in their shoes, you do not know their circumstances.

Above all in their imperfections they carry the image of the perfect God.

 

He is who without sin let him be the first to cast a stone.
#donotcondemn
#Godstilllovesthem
#mercytriumphs
#graceupongrace

 

Say no to insurgency and Yes to a peaceful Nigeria.

WOMAN THAT ART CALLED TO STAND OUT

Now this post is a bit on the lengthy side, so grab a glass of wine or if you are like me a glass of Hollandia yoghurt strawberry-flavoured and read. Just kidding but do read and I hope you enjoy it.

I was listening to the radio talk show and the presenter talked about receiving a call from a coursemate and the ‘said’ coursemate asked if she had gotten a ‘Phd’ and she was like No and she went ahead to ask the coursemate if she had gotten hers and she said yes and the presenter went further to ask which university she had gotten the ‘Phd’ from and the coursemate laughed and said it was not the academic ‘Phd’ she was talking about, that ‘Phd’ translated to ‘Pikin, Husband and Degree’.
It struck something in me, how could Someone who graduated from the university still reason like that? I asked myself this hugely important question: “Is Marriage and having a family the ultimate, the only goal to which a lady must aspire to?” Don’t get me wrong, I do want to get married, its part of my prayer points and I also pray for my Husband wherever He is. I also get the fact that our African culture has conditioned our mentality to think that a lady who isn’t married at a particular age is a colossal failure while the same culture doesn’t place the same stress on a man, a culture that places the blame for childlessness at the foot of the woman and forgets that it takes two to produce a child.
A lady grows up from childhood and all her life she is prepared for one thing, ‘Marriage’. Now it is good to prepare your child for that sacred vocation but that isn’t what all her life should revolve around.
As a woman, you are a life-changer. God has placed a great deal on your shoulders. You are not meant to join the bandwagon and attain the status quo. You are meant to be different, unique for the destiny of the world lies on you.
What happens when ‘Mr Right’ isn’t quick in coming, does your life get a pause button. It pains me to see ladies in relationships that are clearly not working or obviously not leading anywhere or even worse relationships that has no love and no Christ, all because the ‘said’ guy has said he would marry them. Ahn ahn perfectly sane , hardworking women turn to mush because they do not want others to think they cannot keep a man or a relationship. I laugh when I remember my friend saying he would teach me how to keep a man and I am like do I really need to be taught. His reason for that was because I didn’t like going out and interacting with others. Now I know I don’t know everything I need to know about marriage but I do wonder if going out and being ‘sociable’ has anything to do with “keeping a man or relationship “. I am an ambivert so I sometimes find it hard meeting people but then I have friends and I interact with others.
I told myself the very day I left the university was the end of ‘senseless’ relationships, relationships just for the sake of being in a relationship. Now someone who knows me might say oh, she is relatively young so she can afford to talk like that. That won’t be the truth because I know those younger than I am getting married. I can talk like this because I know that I am different, unique, one of a kind. I know what God has called me to be; I know the vision that I want to achieve and I know that someone who doesn’t share that vision and won’t help me better isn’t right for me. I won’t compromise on that.
I have had and made my own share of mistakes, I have being in relationships because everyone was in one and I didn’t want to be different. The truth remains that I can’t help being different. I was called to be different, to stand out, to do something different, to touch lives no matter little, to make an impact and WOMAN that is the same ministry to which you have been called into. You can’t afford to take that call lightly.
My aunt used to tell me that “Love isn’t blind, deaf or dumb”. Love becomes blind only when you refuse to see the fault of that person, human beings are frail no doubt but a fault of character is one only Christ can change. Love becomes deaf when you refuse the voice of warning pleading for you to stop and reconsider. Love is only dumb when you refuse to speak out and accept that things would change.
We hear stories of spousal violence and I tell my friends that a broken relationship is far better than a broken marriage. Walk out now before you sink in too deep. Don’t stay out of pity or desperation. Don’t stay because all your friends are in a relationship and are getting married. Be in a relationship where there is peace, there is love, where God has called you to be in. Until then, enjoy the days of Singlehood.

WOMAN; the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world. They say that behind every successful man is a successful and praying woman. You have the destiny of the whole world on your shoulders and that is so great a burden that you must tread lightly. You are a life-changer, a vision-bearer, a nurturer and a myriad of things God has called you to be. Your life goals doesn’t end in ‘Pikin, Husband and a Degree’ that decorates the wall. You are challenged to dare to be different. Dare to stand out because WOMAN thou art called to STAND OUT!!!
WOMAN, ARISE AND ANSWER THAT CALL!!!

Say no to insurgency and Yes to a peaceful Nigeria. God bless you all.

The Self Esteem Creed— part 3

Now to the concluding part of the creed.

I belong to myself; my thoughts are my very own. My feelings are my own. The things I feel are more a part of me than my right arm. To know the things I feel is to know me. I belong to other people too for when I share my thoughts with them and let them find my feelings, I have given them a part of me; I belong to them. Lord, help me to give little pieces of myself that I may belong to others but even more help me accept pieces of others that they may belong to me too for the world is too large for me to exist alone without the help of others.

My hope is built on nothing less than Christ. When God talks about a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people; He definitely was referring to me. I am chosen, royal, holy and peculiar and am out to sing forth His praises. I don’t need anyone to tell me any different. I am walking in power, dominion and authority. All that God has blessed me with are enough for me to succeed with. I am made to be a problem solver. The joy of the Lord is my stronghold.

Life would not always give me what I am want, but am sure that God will give me all that I need and I will learn to work and excel with all that I have. I am beautiful both inside and outside. The perfect peace of God radiates through me. For me the word impossible is not a place to stop but a starting point to overcome. No matter what obstacles life places in my path, one way or another but surely with God on my side, I will surmount them all.

Every word that comes out from my mouth will be positive; I refuse to be put down by trials and tribulations. I am born to rule. I know that life is all about compromises but not my standards, values and beliefs. I believe that in giving people my very best, the very best comes back to me. James corbel says to become a champion, fight one round more and that hold true for every challenge I may face. I refuse to give up or give in. I am a shining light to my generation, an example to all.

I am part of history making. I am amazing because that is what God has made me to be. If it’s going to be, it’s up to me. I refuse to let anyone dictate the way I will live my life except it’s by the dictates of God’s word and above my life is a testimony to the fact that God lives in me.

Hope you enjoyed reading it. God has made you perfect, don’t settle for less. You were bought with the price of something expensive; the precious blood of the sinless lamb.

The Self Esteem Creed—part 2

I know i said i would post the remaining parts of the posts but i have been very busy with meetings so please bear with me. i have decided to post the remaining parts simultaneously and if you have not read the first part, please do so. finally i wish you all a lovely week ahead. Back to the part 2.

My fingerprints are all unique. I am wonderfully, beautifully and specially made, the apple of God’s eyes. I belong to Him; I resemble Him, which is why the devil trembles whenever he hears me speaking. God’s glory is made manifest in me. I am the image and likeness of God; that is an IMAGO DEI and I will strive to do God’s will. I am blessed beyond boundaries, favored for future exploits.

I know that there are parts of me that there are aspects of me that puzzle me and other aspects of me that I do not know, but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I do or say, and whatever I feel and think at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, thought, sounded and felt turn out to be unfitting I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest and invent something new to replace that which has been discarded. I have the tools needed to survive, to be productive and to make sense out of this world. I am ME and therefore I can engineer me. I am ME and I am okay.

I have to live with myself and so I want to be fit for myself. I want to be able as the days go by, always to look at myself straight in the eye. I don’t want to stand with the setting sun and hate myself for the things I should have done but didn’t do and the things I did and I should not have done. I want to deserve all men’s respect for here in the struggle for fame I want to be able to like myself and know that I am not a bluff and an empty show. I can never hide myself from me. I see what others may never see; I know what others may never know. I can never fool myself and whatever happens I want to be self-respecting and conscience-free.

If I cannot be a pine on the top of the hill, I will be the best little scrub in the valley. If I cannot be a tree, I would be a bush. We all cannot be captains; we have got to be the crew. There is big work and lesser people to do it and the task we must do is nearer. If I cannot be a highway then I would just be a trail; if I can’t be the sun I would be the star. It isn’t in the size that you fail or win but above all I will be the best of whatever I am.

The Self Esteem Creed—part 1

This post will be in three or four parts. I didn’t want to do a very long post and its written in the first person narrative so that you can internalize the creed. The remaining parts of the creed will posted this evening, tomorrow morning and evening. Keep a date with me.

 

God made me. I was no accident, no happenstance. I am not a child of circumstance. I was in God’s plan and He doesn’t make junk ever. I am unique, special, definitely one of a kind, equipped with everything necessary to succeed. I have been blessed with God-given talents. There is a king in me; I am a child of royalty. There is power in the words I speak. God created me to make an impact on my generation. I love me and that is essentially so that I might love you too. I have talents, potentials, yes there is greatness in me and if I harness that specialness in me, then I will write my names in the hall mark of fame, imprint my footprints in the sands of time and leave my mark on this world with my deeds.

I have what it takes to be the best. Yes I must work harder, longer with greater drive and passion, if I am to excel and I will pay the price for success and talents demands daily care, honing, hard work and determination. I will stop envying others of their gifts cause inside me is a well of undeveloped and raw talent. I believe that in me is diamond; raw, muddy and unused and with the waters of determination I will wash out the mud and the diamond will glitter brighter than the stars.

I will make the most use of myself, because there will never be another me. I will make the best use of my time; because once that i testifytime is gone there will never be another time. Yesterday they say is gone, buried six feet below the ground, tomorrow is in the womb yet unborn, today is only what we have and can make use of. Yes I will make proper use of my today so that later on in life I can walk with my head held up my high, my shoulders erect and beat my hands on my chest and say proudly: ‘my yesterday was good, my today is better and my tomorrow will be the best.’

In the entire world, there is no one else exactly like me, none to be compared to me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone choose it. I own everything about me, my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions whether they be to others or to myself. I own my fantasies, dreams, hopes, fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes, because I own all of me. I can become intimately acquainted with me in all parts.