Hello Lovely Family, it is with sober hearts that we bring this reflection. We have prayed and we believe that God will open the hearts of our minds so that we can take a good look at our lives, see the areas that scream for improvement and with honor live up to the name we bear.
I am ashamed to call myself a Christian. For it is an honor to bear the name Christian, yet I have smeared it with my sin. I have stained it with my guilt and I keep my head down in shame. How can my lips profess one thing and my hands do another? How can I with the same lips call you Lord and master yet an insult is never far off. I who should seek to your will is filled with the desire to please others, my heart lusts after another.I move one step forward, I pull back a thousand steps. Something keeps pulling me back and I struggle against the tides. I know you would tell me to go with the flow. But I would like to ask: what’s the flow?
This flow that makes me question myself, this flow that leaves me bereft of words, this flow that feels akin to my person.
My Instagram bio has Christ lover, Daughter of God, Man of God, Kingdom child, the same goes for my twitter handle. I flaunt it so proudly, scream it loud. Yes, the world must know that I am I a Christian even though my lifestyle says otherwise.I profess my love for you,like an alabaster jab filled with oil, I continuously pour words of libation on the altar of my love for you. I never get tired of letting others know that I am a Christian, yet my life is in shambles. You are so far away I tell myself,these ones are closer, I can see them.
This desire to please others consume me. I shake it off only to feel it come back in a different form. I love one whom I can’t see, and I ought to please Him. But there are so many others who I see and feel that I shouldn’t have to lose them. Remember that you cannot love God whom you have not seen if you do not love your neighbors. I lie Lord!Twisted your words to please myself, to assuage the guilt I feel.For you are Love, for it is the love of you in us that prompts us to love another.
I am stuck fighting a war that I feel like I am losing, this war is worse than the world wars combined. It’s a war in my spirit, a war for dominance – total dominance. One person must win for within me there is space for only one Being. One Being who would have total control.
I must have Faith and what does Faith demand- total submission to the will of another. You see I like to tell myself that I have faith, you know that mustard seed kind but I am gradually loosing that Faith.
The world is gradually pulling me into its arms, it holds me fair and seduces me with promises of beauty. But then what is beauty? When my soul is raw from pain. What is beauty when I am ashamed to look within. What is beauty when I can barely recognize me. You see I try and I fall, and I am tired. My arms are covered in bruises, I want to lay where I have fallen.
I have become a two-faced liar, I should have said two-faced Christian but the sacredness of that name, the weight of the responsibility that the name brings is one I have not borne for a long while. In church I sing Oh how I love you Lord, you see that’s my favourite song. I love you Lord, I think I know what Love is. I think I do love you, but the truth is I do not love you as I ought to and I do not love you enough, for you do not hurt the one you love. The desires of the one you love are supposed to be topmost in the mind of the one who loves but this is not true for me. Your commands to sum it up are this: “Love of God and love of man.” For if I love you, I will keep your words, I would not make for myself another god, money and its pursuits, the desires of the flesh and others would not be my god. I would hold your words in high regard and not profane them. If I loved you as I professed, I would honour my parents, not covet another’s properties.
I remember the words of the psalmists in Psalms 51:3 “…my sins are always before me…” I tell myself that I am not that bad. I am in church every Sunday, I give my tithes and try to keep your words. Defending my every action, no time to take stock and look at my life and see areas that need to be checked and worked on. I constantly make the sacrifice on the cross a sham and continuously send you to Calvary. I look now and see that Calvary was and is the greatest act of love. To give up one’s self for sinners, the sinless one dying in place of those condemned to death.
You offer me salvation and love; this journey you have called me is one filled with obstacles, but your grace is enough. Your love is a shield around me. Even when I feel like giving up, I see your grace.
You let me know that all my efforts are not in vain. You let me see myself through your eyes- an imperfect child of a perfect God. I am amazed that you care. You know that passage Psalm 8:4 that says who is man that you should care,mortal man that you are mindful of him. That’s how I feel, you are aware of every single step that I take, every single tear that I shed, every mistake that I make. You see the often not-so- sincere attempts at repentance. I am scared that I would leave earth without your love. I do not want to be afraid, I do not want fear to be the guiding force, I want love so deep, so pure to compel me to serve you.
Remember whose you are, Return to me says the Father, I stand and knock at the door of your heart, and I offer you Redemption so that you might Rejoice in me and that one day our Reunion in heaven may be all that you have dreamed of this side of heaven.
This name that you bear isone that I have called you by, I call you Child, you are mine, I knit you inyour mother’s womb, I have known you since the beginning of time. You are mybeloved, loved just as if you were the only one that existed. Christian, Christ-like,following the path of Christ is your mission, bear that name with honor andlive up to your name.
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