Hello Lovely Family. We are continuing with our story on the series titled #GrasstoGrace. We were unable to blog last week and as such we are bringing the concluding part today. It’s a lengthy read but trust me that you would enjoy reading it as much as we have enjoyed writing it. If you are new to #GrasstoGrace series, It’s Christian fiction that depicts real life situations; the struggles that often go on in our lives and the often rough road to grace. What matters most is that Grace finds us and our lives become a testimony. Dig in:
Back in Uni., a lot of things drove me, one of which was the constant ringing in my head of my teachers predicting that I wouldn’t make it. They probably thought I would end up pregnant and become a liability. In High school, I dreaded open days because all I was sure to hear was how I was not doing enough; how I was unserious and without focus. I don’t know what happened.. looking back I am sure it must have been God who inspired me but I pushed hard to succeed in my academics…though I really didn’t have any ambitions.
I was constantly fighting demons, depressed but feigning happiness. I’d crack jokes and make people laugh while I wallowed in depression; I was trapped in my past and was not really living, just existing. I fought depression and I was, and still kinda antisocial.You see, I had been abused by family friends when I was about 9 and it messed me up real bad. I could’t commit to any relationship as whenever I truly started to like a good guy, I’d ruin it. A friend once told me “You have a very attracting personality, you are very welcoming but whenever someone truly tries to get close there’s this great wall around you.” He told me this about 6years ago but it stayed on my mind ever since.
I didn’t realize at the time but it was like I constantly felt I wasn’t good enough. I was attracted to “good bad guys” the ones who would go to church every Sunday but had a different lifestyle during the week. I didn’t know I had not seen enough after being sexually abused by 2 brothers at about 9 and a failed attempt by a close friend, years after…I was raped (He would tell you otherwise) by the guy I was dating and that did it! It felt like I was damaged beyond repairs and I told God in more ways than one that I was done with Him! I mean He allowed all these happen! He could have prevented them, I got into an even worse place. I attempted suicide more than twice, death promised a better release than the life I was living, I thought of how hell wouldn’t be such a bad alternative, since my life felt like I was already there, I wanted to see God and ask Him how and why He failed me. But, I didn’t succeed. Saved again and again.
And then I got a job after 3 years of searching, only to lose it before i could even be given an offer letter, I was terribly depressed, jobless, angry and frustrated! I tried going for counselling, something anything to free myself from the pain, anger and hurt I carried around. Somedays were okay, days when I could move without feeling like I was drowning, some other days I could barely breathe and I hurt so much. Pain was my constant friend, sorrow and hopelessness my companion. I think the journey to redemption started at that point, on that couch at the therapist’s office. These words kept me up at night; ‘Forgive, let go. You can’t heal until you are willing to forgive.’ Forgiveness came hard. How do I forgive those who had hurt me so badly, who had made my life this miserable mess that it was. How do I let go of the anger when the anger fueled my desire to do better. How do I let go of the hurt when the hurt was what kept my heart free from more pain, how do I let go when the only thing I know how to do is to hold on tight? How? How?? How?!!
Yet they kept preaching forgiveness. I kept up with church attendance because I didn’t know how to explain to my parents that I had no business with God. I didn’t know how to relate with my parents, I was angry at them too. Right under their watch, I lost my innocence, they could not protect me. It felt like I everywhere I turned Forgiveness was being preached and the harder I tried to play a deaf ear, the deeper the message sank into my soul. I made the decision one night to forgive, to let it all go.
I thought I was able to forgive the parties that hurt me though I couldn’t forgive myself and I definitely couldn’t forgive God. I felt like there was something wrong with me that made me the target of their abuse and I felt unloved by God. I was still at my lowest point, steeped in depression, fear, anxiety, pain and hurt, prone to panic attacks and I didn’t know what to do. The pain became my strength and it drew me to a place of recognition. You know the saying…When life pushes you down, at your lowest there’s no other place to go to but up.
I decided to try again, praying was difficult as I didn’t know how to do that. I started having discussions with God, I realized I could not truly let go without letting God in, I could not forgive without His divine grace and mercy. It was at this point that I realized that I am nothing, can be nothing without Him. Oh what a sweet revelation! His presence became my succor, in His fellowship I found a resting place. I would lie in bed and just talk to God. I would tell Him everything on my mind and tears were my food. I kept up with the discussions and they became my life-line. One night I cried and begged God to turn things around for me; I was tired of doing things my own way, of living a life of pain, of not knowing what each day held and the hopeless despair that my life was. He did! The changes came slowly. I felt relief. I started coming out of the depression that had plagued my life for years. Guess what within months of mending my relationship I got a better Job offer and every other thing was falling into place. I went from being a reluctant church girl to a vibrant Christ lover.
When I look back, I am humbled by how far I have come. Grace had sustained me during those trying times; there is no iota of doubt in my mind that nothing but His Grace had kept me safe and sane. I know the future holds better things in store for me. In times of troubles I am relaxed because I know He has not and will not fail me. God does not ever fail, He is constantly aware of everything that happens. Do not lose hope, trust Him. I hope this inspires you to find your way back to Him as I did.
The end of a reluctant Church girl.
I know you can’t wait to see what the next story is, I am too but Monday is just a week away. We are retelling the story of One Man; adapted to Modern day Stay tuned and don’t forget to subscribe to the blog.
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