My struggles

Screenshot_20171231-182841I move one step forward
I pull back a thousand steps
Something keeps pulling me back
I struggle against the tides
I know you would tell me to go with the flow.
But I would like to ask: what’s the flow?
This flow that makes me question myself,
This flow that leaves me bereft of words
This flow that feels akin to my person. This flow that is the constant need to fit in, to belong, to act like everyone.

I don’t know me any longer
And I drown in this endless sea of torment.
You see I fear water, hydrophobia that’s what they call it.
And I am thrown in that water and I must swim or sink
I close my eyes for just a minute and darkness descends.
With it comes this peace.

It would be easier to just let go and embrace this darkness but I don’t want to die

I don’t want my life to have this shallow ending.
There are words left unspoken, actions not yet done.
I am scared, they call me strong but fear ties me down.
Fear they say is crippling and it has tied my feet down and it pulls me deeper  into the belly of the cavernous monster. I know what fear is, I know how it taste. It is the bile that fills you mouth every time you remember, it is the feeling of unsettlement, its the voice in your head that only you can hear.

It’s easy to give up.
This desire to continuously please others consume me.
I shake it off only to feel it come back in a different form.
I love one whom I can’t see and I ought to please Him
But there are so many others who I see and feel that I shouldn’t have to lose them.
So I am stuck fighting a war that I feel like I am loosing. At times I feel like I have lost the war. This war is worse than the world wars combined together

It’s a war in my spirit, a war for dominance – total dominance.
One person has to win for within me there is space for only one Being.
One Being who would have total control.
I must have Faith and what does Faith demand- total submission to the will of another.
You see I like to tell myself that I have faith, you know that mustard seed kind but I am gradually loosing that Faith.
The world is gradually pulling me into its arms, it holds me fair and seduces me with promises of beauty.
But then what is beauty?When my soul is raw from pain.
What is beauty when I am ashamed to look within.
What is beauty when I can barely recognise me. I look into the mirror and I am scared and ashamed to see what I have become. I am an empty shell, and slowly but surely I have lost my essence.

I feel like a hypocrite most times. You know those kinds that say do what I say but not what I do. I want better but better demands effort and at times that effort is too much to give.

Do you think I do not try?

Do you think I have given up?

You see I try and I fall and I am tired.

I rise and I fall again, this cycle of leaving my vomit and going back again.

My arms are covered in bruises and I want to lay where I have fallen.
Lord I am sorry but I am tired.
How can I profess to love you and yet hurt you.
How can I keep your words in my mouth and yet profane them with my lips.

How do I repay your love for me?
Yet Your love is a shield around me.
Even when I feel like giving up, I see your grace.
You let me know that all my efforts are not in vain.
You let me see myself through your eyes- an imperfect child of a perfect God.
I am amazed that you care.
You know that passage that says who is man that you should care, mortal man that you are mindful of him.
That’s how I feel, you are aware of every single step that I take, every single tear that I shed, every mistake that I make.
You see the often not-so- sincere attempts at repentance.
I am scared that I would leave earth without your love.
I do not want to be afraid, I do not want fear to be the guiding force, I want love so deep, so pure to compel me to serve you.
Let your hands be the guiding force of my life.
Help me see that you are all I ever need,
That nothing can replace you.
For in you I move, live and have my being.

 

Hope this speaks to some one, keep trying, refuse to remain where you are no matter the sin or vice. God sees every effort.

In other news I am grateful for 2017 and excited to welcome 2018.

Say no to insurgency and Yes to a peaceful Nigeria. God bless you all.

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This is Christmas to Me

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Once upon a time God lived among men. The word was made flesh and dwelt among us. He came to us in the form of a child. Our King is born today.

 
The season of Christmas is a four-fold manifestation.

 
Christmas is a journey of HOPE. A son from your own body will be king and his dynasty will be established forever. Hope never fails. It is a fulfillment of all God’s promises. In His time he makes all things perfect.

 
This is a time to LOVE. Christ is love Himself. Love in its purest form was made manifest at Christmas. The ancient divide was closed. A bridge was built between heaven and earth.

 
Christmas brings JOY. Joy to the world for the saviour is born. Satan’s rule to an end has come. Shout, rejoice and be glad for our redeemer is here. He gives joy that surpasses all earthly joy.

 
His reign is one of PEACE. Hail the prince of peace. Hail the herald of good tidings. He gives us peace beyond all understanding. He comes to cast our fears away.

 
The message of Christmas is that of obedience to the will of God. It is answering: ‘Here am I Lord, send me.’ Christ invites us to be co-participants in bringing hope, love, joy and peace to all men.

 
What gift have we given the king of all. Jesus was born in a cave in Bethlehem. There was no shelter. Jesus is still looking for shelter in your heart, in my heart. Let our gift be that of our hearts, to turn from old to new, to be lights in a dark and dreary world.

 
He wants us to be his hands and legs.
To do the works he couldn’t complete while on earth, to go where he could not go.

 
Christ is the sign of God’s love for all his people. Christ has never been more closer than he is today. If we remove Christ, what remains of Christmas? An empty feast. It is the Christ in Christmas that makes the entire difference.

 
Let this Christmas be different from every other celebration. Let’s learn to bring the joy of Christmas to everyone every day. Let’s allow Christ be continually born among his people every day. Let everyday be a celebration of Christmas.

 
Take time to reflect on Christ who is the reason for the season and what his birth holds for us. Those who have rejoiced at his birth will soon gather again to chant: “crucify him, crucify him.”

 

In Christ we have a new Adam coming to save us from the sting of death.
In Mary, we have a new Eve crushing the serpent’s head.

 
Christmas invites us to embrace a life of humility, of total acceptance to God’s plans and will, of saying Yes to God’s call.

 
Like Mary we say: ‘ I am the handmaid of the Lord, let to be done to me according to your words.’

 

This is Christmas to me.
Merry Christmas everyone.
May Christ the giver of all good gifts be born in our hearts.

 

Say no to insurgency and Yes to a peaceful Nigeria.

Casting Stones

He is a murderer, He deserves to die.
On and on you attack him.
Yet you forget the countless ones you have sent to their death beds with your tongue.
You do not remember that this person bears the image of God despite his sins.

She is a prostitute, how can she walk into the church.
Now look at yourself, you have a lover who sleeps with you regularly.
Do you think that’s not a sin, or you think that because you are not on the street, you are any better. Dear, that prostitute carries Christ In her.

He gives money to the church. It seems like He has excess money.
To you he is a member of the secret cult, he has used so and so for blood rituals.
Yet the ‘Oro’ festival goes on and not one person says a word, it’s tradition.
You castigate him and you wonder why you are not blessed.

She has done something wrong. He has committed a taboo.
If you could kill him or her, you wouldn’t waste time.
You don’t think that this person can change.
That God’s love could touch this person.

So you dehumanize this person and that person.
Mercy means nothing to you. You go on jungle justice rampage.
Kill him, kill her. Oh yes their crimes may deserve that punishment but what of you.
Do you think that the same punishment of sin doesn’t await you.

Have you thought of all that God has done for you?
Have you thought of what must have sent them to this place?
Have you walked in their shoes and know what it feels to be this way?
Have you any thoughts of your own frailty and weakness?

You judge, you condemn, you criticise
You have no feelings of sympathy.
They have become goats and rams to be slaughtered to appease your anger.
You don’t remember that they are human beings created in the image and likeness of God.

You chant songs of war and justice.
Oh If you could look at your soul and see how sin has tainted your soul.
Sins of pride and avarice.
Those sins that only God knows you commit, secret sins that weigh down your soul.

You shame this person and that person. Oh if you could have but one glimpse of your soul.
For if you did, you would be ashamed of yourself too.
For before God we all stood as sinners condemned to death.
Christ took our place, he died so that we wouldn’t have to die.
He took the shameful route to Calvary so that mercy could prevail.

So when next you see this public sinner.
Don’t be in a hurry to cast aspersions and stones.
Remember that every person inspite of his or her sins is the image of the perfect God.
Goodness still lies inside of them. There is always hope of repentance.

Our own sins, no matter how few or insignificant, disqualify us as judges of other people’s sins. Extend grace. Forgive. Be more understanding and compassionate. Don’t be in a hurry to condemn. Good people make mistakes too.

Let He who is without sin be the first to cast the stone.

 

Say no to insurgency and Yes to a peaceful Nigeria

P.S: anticipate my Christmas post.