I move one step forward
I pull back a thousand steps
Something keeps pulling me back
I struggle against the tides
I know you would tell me to go with the flow.
But I would like to ask: what’s the flow?
This flow that makes me question myself,
This flow that leaves me bereft of words
This flow that feels akin to my person. This flow that is the constant need to fit in, to belong, to act like everyone.
I don’t know me any longer
And I drown in this endless sea of torment.
You see I fear water, hydrophobia that’s what they call it.
And I am thrown in that water and I must swim or sink
I close my eyes for just a minute and darkness descends.
With it comes this peace.
It would be easier to just let go and embrace this darkness but I don’t want to die
I don’t want my life to have this shallow ending.
There are words left unspoken, actions not yet done.
I am scared, they call me strong but fear ties me down.
Fear they say is crippling and it has tied my feet down and it pulls me deeper into the belly of the cavernous monster. I know what fear is, I know how it taste. It is the bile that fills you mouth every time you remember, it is the feeling of unsettlement, its the voice in your head that only you can hear.
It’s easy to give up.
This desire to continuously please others consume me.
I shake it off only to feel it come back in a different form.
I love one whom I can’t see and I ought to please Him
But there are so many others who I see and feel that I shouldn’t have to lose them.
So I am stuck fighting a war that I feel like I am loosing. At times I feel like I have lost the war. This war is worse than the world wars combined together
It’s a war in my spirit, a war for dominance – total dominance.
One person has to win for within me there is space for only one Being.
One Being who would have total control.
I must have Faith and what does Faith demand- total submission to the will of another.
You see I like to tell myself that I have faith, you know that mustard seed kind but I am gradually loosing that Faith.
The world is gradually pulling me into its arms, it holds me fair and seduces me with promises of beauty.
But then what is beauty?When my soul is raw from pain.
What is beauty when I am ashamed to look within.
What is beauty when I can barely recognise me. I look into the mirror and I am scared and ashamed to see what I have become. I am an empty shell, and slowly but surely I have lost my essence.
I feel like a hypocrite most times. You know those kinds that say do what I say but not what I do. I want better but better demands effort and at times that effort is too much to give.
Do you think I do not try?
Do you think I have given up?
You see I try and I fall and I am tired.
I rise and I fall again, this cycle of leaving my vomit and going back again.
My arms are covered in bruises and I want to lay where I have fallen.
Lord I am sorry but I am tired.
How can I profess to love you and yet hurt you.
How can I keep your words in my mouth and yet profane them with my lips.
How do I repay your love for me?
Yet Your love is a shield around me.
Even when I feel like giving up, I see your grace.
You let me know that all my efforts are not in vain.
You let me see myself through your eyes- an imperfect child of a perfect God.
I am amazed that you care.
You know that passage that says who is man that you should care, mortal man that you are mindful of him.
That’s how I feel, you are aware of every single step that I take, every single tear that I shed, every mistake that I make.
You see the often not-so- sincere attempts at repentance.
I am scared that I would leave earth without your love.
I do not want to be afraid, I do not want fear to be the guiding force, I want love so deep, so pure to compel me to serve you.
Let your hands be the guiding force of my life.
Help me see that you are all I ever need,
That nothing can replace you.
For in you I move, live and have my being.
Hope this speaks to some one, keep trying, refuse to remain where you are no matter the sin or vice. God sees every effort.
In other news I am grateful for 2017 and excited to welcome 2018.
Say no to insurgency and Yes to a peaceful Nigeria. God bless you all.